Jennifer Granger provides these tips to help you stay connected with your partner.
Did you know that deep inside every person in the world, male or female, straight or gay, there is an energetic core with both feminine and masculine energies? They’re often called ‘yin and yang’, and are two essences within one body. Attraction between two people depends on polarity – which is the balance of the inner feminine or inner masculine within that person.
The amount of each essence that you use determines your dominant polarity, and your dominant polarity determines what kind of intimate partner you’ll attract. This process of attraction works like a magnet – you’ll attract the opposite of what you are deep inside.
To help explain this, meet Chris and Ash. This couple could be made up of two women or two men. Or Chris and Ash could be a heterosexual couple; their orientation doesn’t really matter. In order for any two people to feel a high level of intimate attraction to each other, they must be at opposite polarities within their inner core.
In this case, Chris was a ‘doer’ – loved to get things done, take the lead, and fix what needs fixing. In doing so, Chris operated more from an inner masculine essence. Chris was naturally attracted to a partner who drew more from an inner feminine essence. If Chris met another masculine-oriented person, they would not be attracted; in fact, they would repel. No chemistry there.
But when Chris met Ash, it was an instant attraction! Ash enjoyed quieter times, taking time to just think and to just be, enjoyed nurturing others, and doing yoga. When they met, Ash was accessing more inner feminine than inner masculine; thus Ash entered this relationship with a high feminine polarity. Sparks flew because Chris and Ash were polar opposites at their core.
For gay or straight people, it works the same way. When attraction is high, you both love being together. But after a few years, Chris woke up one day to find the intimacy was gone; Ash felt the loss too. How could this happen when they started out so much in love?
The most likely cause: one of them had a shift in polarity. It can happen subtly. In this case, Ash got a well deserved promotion and had to step up to a much more demanding job. Suddenly there was no longer time for yoga or art classes, no time for pampering or personal time, no time to do the little things at home to nurture the family.
Suddenly, Ash had to access all the inner masculine that was deep inside, and Ash’s own internal polarity shifted from predominantly feminine to much more masculine. Not only did exhaustion set in, but Ash no longer felt a desire for intimacy with Chris. With Chris’ inner polarity still at a high masculine level, there was now too much masculine polarity within this couple, causing them to repel, rather than attract. It was awful.
But there’s good news: they did find their way back to a strong intimate connection. Couples who become out of sync like this can regain intimacy, simply by rebalancing their internal polarity which, in turn, rebalances the relationship.
In this case, Ash realised that it was still possible to be strong and successful at work, as long as Ash consciously accessed more inner feminine essence while at home. This involved Ash finding time for just being, and for nurturing self and family. To regain a feminine focus, Ash again became accepting of the comforting masculine support and protection offered by Chris, a natural role as the more masculine presence in the relationship.
Chris helped the situation by stepping up and assisting with some of the family care things that Ash used to do exclusively. There was nothing wrong with Chris accessing a bit more feminine essence; it is inside everyone anyway, always at the ready. By helping out a bit more, but still staying predominantly masculine inside, Chris was able to renew the ‘woo!’ and connect intimately again with Ash.
In terms of whether people need to stay in that original role they were in when they first met, in order for the relationship to endure time, the short answer to that question is ‘no’. In fact, it’s actually impossible to remain the same person throughout your life, because life itself, will always bring about change in your circumstances and, as a consequence you will change. Instead, you need to be aware that things will not be static between any couple. There will be events and situations that will test the relationship and the people in it.
Couples need to be aware that their relationship is a dynamic organism that will shift and change and they as a couple need to be conscious of those changes and make adjustments. It is critical that they are aware for the relationship to maintain a level of connection and attraction.
It is a big ask. But if you want your relationship to be sustainable then you have to be prepared to give and take along the way.
Flexibility and the willingness to grow and make changes within yourself to accommodate what is happening in and to the relationship is critical.
Problems often occur in relationships when one partner changes and the other one does not want to accommodate that change. They might not like the change or they may not want to change themselves. Unfortunately those relationships rarely go the distance. Relationships are a two way deal and there needs to be a flow between the couple for it to have longevity. This issue is discussed in more detail in Chapter 14 of the book What Happened to Intimacy.
Jennifer Granger is a transformational coach from Melbourne, Australia and the author of a new ground-breaking book, Feminine Lost: Why Most Women are Male ($19.99, Weinstein Books). In it she explains the sad state of affairs between couples today and explains how creating an internal shift can help individuals attract just the right intimate partner and sustain the love over time. For more information visit www.femininelost.com