Here are some of the reasons Dr Demartini believes some of us commit to partners who are emotionally unavailable.
1. Not healing from a past relationship
If you’re still hurting from a past relationship, you’re holding onto a fantasy in your head of what that person or relationship was – romanticising the good and not acknowledging the parts of the relationship that led to its demise. If you’ve not truly moved on – whether you realise it or not – you’ll attract people who aren’t emotionally available, as you’re not truly ready to commit yourself.
2. Repeating the cycle
Sometimes people choose the wrong partners because of their past. Perhaps your parents divorced or weren’t emotionally available when you were growing up. You may have subconsciously carried this perception of how things are and should be, into your adult life. Mastering your destiny begins with acknowledging that you have the power to create your life as you choose.
Believing in your own self-worth and accepting responsibility for the life you have created takes work, but doing so will free you from the belief that you are a product of your situation and have no control over how things are.
The lowest state of human awareness is the ‘victim mentality’, filled with disassociated perceptions and blame. The highest state of awareness is where you realise your perceptions are the true causes and your reactions are the true effects of your life (i.e. you are the cause of your own effect).
3. A long-term relationship isn’t what you actually want
Some people don’t realise they’ve chosen someone emotionally unavailable because deep down they don’t actually want a relationship. It is possible that you’ve bought into the societal expectation that you should be settled and starting a family by a certain age. You may even have convinced yourself that this is what you want, despite your actions and choices that scream otherwise. The truth is, a white picket fence and a nuclear family isn’t for everyone, and nor should it be.
4. Fantasy dwelling
Whenever you have a fantasy about how you think your life should be instead of being grateful for how it is, you split yourself in two. The fantasy appears to be more positive than negative and – as a result – you compare your reality to it. You then become sad and depressed whenever you perceive that your life doesn’t match the unrealistic ideal in your mind.